Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Laughing Man

Everyone has been to the movies, right? And everyone has had some bad or really bad experiences at said movies. Me, I've had my fair share in my life and I hope to never have more because one day I honestly might snap and shank a few handfuls of bitches.

Everyone at least once in their life experiences The Laughing Man. You know, that one guy who always sits in the exact middle of the theater, in the middle of the middle row. He usually has some family with him because the Laughing Man never travels alone. The Laughing Man seems harmless at first, not too chatty during the pre-preview trivia slideshows clipped to shitty 90's hits. He's not too bad during the previews, making comments here and there about whatever commercial or trailer seemed interesting, but everyone does that. That is forgiven. People who don't talk about the previews are not properly experiencing movies.

No, The Laughing Man lulls you into a false sense of security. He makes you believe you are about to have a joyous movie experience. Oh, my dear friends, The Laughing Man is about to violently shit all over your life.

A few weeks ago, my Jeffery and I went to the movies to see the new Sherlock Holmes. For the record, it was really good. It would have been better were it not for...The Laughing Man.

I thought we may be in trouble the moment we walked into the theater and it was already half-packed. I knew our chances of finding Laughing Man or Sleeping Guy or Hacks-Up-A-Lung McGee were very high, with so many people in this damn theater. If I'd had any idea what was coming, I would have picked a different seat.

Like I said, the movie was really good. It had dramatic moments, it had sad moments. It had more than a few funny moments, as well. Or they would have been funny, if it were not for The Laughing Man.

You see, any time anything remotely funny happened, this Man would guffaw as if it was his job. He guffawed like he would never guffaw again. He guffawed as though the funniest thing in the world just happened and then someone held a gun to his head and demanded he guffaw as loudly as possible. I am 100% certain it is this man's life duty to go to movie theaters and make the rest of the audience as uncomfortable as is physically possible.

For example (the only example I have because it's the only part I can remember almost verbatim):
Holmes: Who taught you how to dance?
Watson: You did.
Holmes: I did a very good job.
Rest of the theater: umm...?

In that moment, 100 strangers were all thinking the same thing: what the everlasting, actual, bleeding fuck.

Pretty soon we all grew to expect it and could no longer laugh at things that actually were really funny. The Laughing Man ruined it for us. He made laughing in a movie theater taboo. Nothing made sense anymore. Gravity went up, dogs meow, trees are made of steel and hatred. And I, innocent little Sarah Elizabeth of Asstown, Massachusetts, am no longer allowed to enjoy a movie.

The best part? We were sitting next to him. There were a few seats between Jeff and Laughing Dickbag but. We were still and unfortunately far too close.

Have you ever had someone kick the back of your chair? Have you ever had someone kick the back of your chair repeatedly even after you've turned around and given them your best death glare because if you were to actually say something like "stop kicking my chair, you useless sack of meaty parts, or I will hunt down your mother and make her regret giving birth to you" you might get your ass kicked? Yeah. The guy behind me turned out to be some sort of motherfucking soccer champion or something. That sumbitch just would not quit. And then. And then, y'all. He took off his shoes, put his dirty, fat, sweaty feet on the back of my armrests, and wiggled his toes on my arm.


That's not okay to do in any universe, on any planet, in any solar system. Fuck off, Toesy McFuckwit.

When the movie was over, both The Laughing Man and Toesy Dickcheese left the theater as if they hadn't just ruined my movie experience. I wish I'd told them.

At least Jeff and I, on our meander through the parking lot made fun of Laughing I've-Had-A-Lobotomy-Twice Man and I felt much better.


  1. That's a shame that Laughing Man and Foot Friend had to ruin your movie. I think that's a big part of the reason I don't see to many movies in the theaters unless I go to the early Sunday showing when the rest of my town is at church.

    I guffawed (appropriately mind you) at "Laughing Dickbag".

  2. Favorite line: "He guffawed like he would never guffaw again."