Thursday, November 4, 2010

Everything Is An Ouchy

My ovaries hurt. My uterus hurts. My stomach hurts because I accidentally had a half a glass of milk today and apparently I'm not allowed to do that anymore. My chest hurts because I keep going back and forth from being about to freak out and possibly panic attack for no reason to being perfectly fine. My head hurts because my glasses are broken and are taped together in a way where the glass is all tilted and weirdly turned and it makes me dizzy but at least I can see and I get new glasses in a few weeks so I can hold out but IT STILL SUCKS, y'all.

I also can't sleep thanks to all of these goddamn issues. Except the head hurting and dizzy. I'm sure that would go away if I took off my glasses and closed my eyes but when I do that I start thinking about stupid things like where am I even going in life and when's the next time I see Boyfriend and why can I not find a job that will make me not want to die and why am I such a failure at everything

and then the panicky feeling comes back and I'm so not okay, y'all. I hate this feeling. Like I'm useless or like I'm a bad human. And I can't do anything about it. Nothing anyone can say to me will make it any better. It's something I have to move on from on my own and I think that's what sucks the most about it. When I'm sad sometimes, sometimes it just takes an "I love you" from the right person in the right moment and I'm okay and I can feel the darkness peeling away and the light comes in and I can see again because "I love you" is rational and it means something good to me. But when I feel like a failure to myself I have to make myself believe I'm good enough to love...I think. I don't know what I'm feeling, y'all. I don't know what I know. I'm so...tired. I'm ready for the next step in my life, but as soon as I say that a very large part of me is screaming NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE NOT READY! YOU'RE NOT READY TO BE AN ADULT YET YOU STUPID FUCK and I'm back to...this. Again.

I don't know. I need to grow up.

No comments:

Post a Comment