Thursday, September 30, 2010

Letters, Part I

Dear toaster,
How do you work? Sometimes you burn my toast and I have to throw it away because burnt toast is possibly the most disgusting thing on the face of this Earth, or you don't cook my bread enough and I have to keep toasting it, and then it burns because you're bipolar. You're a bipolar fucking toaster. And it doesn't matter what setting I put you on, you're always difficult. How do I fix my toast, toaster? Help me help you.

Dear laptop cord,
Sometimes you like me, sometimes you don't. That's not very fair to me, laptop cord. I don't like how you randomly stop working and I somehow don't notice until my computer yells YOU HAVE 4% LEFT!!!!!1 4%!!!! and I'm all what? OH, my cord must have popped out. But, no, you didn't come out of my computer or the outlet. You just stopped working. So I have to move your main plug to another hole. You are so difficult, laptop cord. I understand that girl at the college one time fell on you and bent your prongs (are they called prongs?) and now you are angry with me but that wasn't my fault. I'm sorry. Please forgive me for being a terrible owner. But please start working regularly. I hate shutting my lid at night to wake up and find the battery died because you decided to not work and my laptop put itself to sleep. Which also didn't work.

Dear laptop,
It's bad enough that Cord is being an asshole. Could you work with me sometimes, too?

Dear Nick at Nite,
Your shows are playing just fine but all of your commercials are silent. I freaked out for the entire five minutes because I thought something was wrong and I am also terrified of silence and avoid it at all costs and you made me listen to silence for five minutes. WHY ARE YOU NOT WORKING. Please start working, volume-during-commercials.

Dear body,
I know you like to poop in the middle of the night, but can we not do that? It's awkward. And scary.

Dear cellphone,
You are a delightful, buzzy thing. I have no real complaints with you except I want that bubblewrap app I saw someone using in a Youtube video and I don't know how to get it. And since I got you for free from my friend's mom, you did not come with any cords to connect you to my computer. Thus, I have no idea how to put mp3's on you, or apps, and the memory card you came with is tiny and does not fit in my computer's hole. So, how do I make you work, phone?

Dear television,
I know that last time I went to write in this entry, you were working just fine, but now you aren't. And I am sad. Why are you broken, TV? Why won't you work for me? Even during just the nights? Please?

Sincerely, me.

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